Thursday, February 21, 2013

Way Down in the valley

That kinda sounds like a country song ... ♫

I've been told, and now I'm learning first hand, that deployments bring you peaks and valleys. Some days are great, I'm managing things on my own, the kids are healthy and well-behaved ... and some days I'm pretty low. Being in Ottawa at Christmas drained me emotional and physically, it was definitely not the relaxing, helpful vacation I thought it was going to be. It was almost worse being there, since I did not have any real respite from the kids, where as here Lola is in daycare 5 days a week, and Thomas is in daycare while I attend my committee meetings 3 times a week. That was the main downfall. I've worked hard at putting it all behind me so I won't launch into all the details now. Let's just say that when I got back home to QC, I was in a valley. And it took me a few weeks to climb out of it.

And then I did, and everything seemed ok. Skies were blue instead of dark grey. I didn't even realize anything HAD happened, but one day I realized I was ok.

Fast forward to yesterday.

My son has been spoiled since birth in terms of being canoodled and "baby-ed" when it comes to bed time. Ten months later and I'm paying for it. It wasn't TOO awful when there were 2 of us to share the burden, but for the past 4 months I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've had a full night's sleep. That is a tragedy. Especially since the next day Daddy can't take over and let me catch up on some much needed sleep. Sleep or no sleep I have 2 little ones who need me the next day. I remember thinking how impossible it was going to be to survive if the no-sleep kept up over over the entire deployment. But our bodies adjust, and even though now I have perma-bags under my eyes, and am downing coffee and redbull all day, I'm surviving. And so are the kids. Except now I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope.

Thomas' night time habits always seem to be the catalyst to my valleys, and then a small thing will trigger the descent. I love my friends and family dearly, and appreciated all the advice and wisdom they send my way ... but every child is different, so is every situation ... I am trying to fix this disaster I created, but it's just so damn hard to do it by myself. I had a meltdown 2 nights ago listening to him scream for 2 hours. I just don't know how I'll get through this next half of the deployment.

Mike's HLTA seems to be what is triggering this valley. I'm getting anxious. I should be happy and excited to have my husband home, but I'm tense and stressed out about it. I feel similar to how I was stressing about his initial departure. The anticipation was worse than having him actually leave. So hopefully when he arrives everything will be fine. But for the moment I'm worried about so many things. 

At night when I'm awake with the beast I'm so resentful of my husband. How dare he do this to ME. How dare he leave me alone with 2 small kids to deal with it all on my own. Then the morning comes and I feel better, and know that he didn't DO this to me. He's doing his job. The job we agreed would be best for our family.

And I'm trying to figure out how to handle Lola. I want to work with the daycare lady to make sure she sticks to a routine, but at the same time spend time with her father. The advice I received from the Deployment Group at the Family centre is to maybe have her go half days, or maybe 2 full days a week. That way when Mike leaves again it won't be an epic battle to get her back into the daycare groove. the daycare lady is resistant. She thinks that I'll be depriving Lola of her dad but bringing her to daycare. It feels like she isn't working WITH me. It feels like she's working against me. It's very frustrating.

So there's me right now. I'm also feeling very overwhelmed with the Swedish presentation. We're behind schedule, and I'm frustrated. And it's hard to find the time to sit down and work on it when I'm home because I'm either kid-wrangling or attempting to sleep.

I've decided to not go back and re-read this very long post. I am SMRT, but if there are typos or things that don't make sense I'm blaming it on lack of sleep.

Happier post to come in a few days!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sweden Update!

I had my first official "Swedish" meeting last week. It was good because I actually know what I'll be doing over there. Myself, and 2 others will be preparing, and giving a presentation on the volunteer work we do at the VFC (Valcartier Family Centre). We're to act as spokes people to promote, explain and share the expertise of the VFC, as well as create and maintain good relationships with our Swedish counterparts. Pretty freaking cool.

So far our itinerary looks like this:

We leave Canada on Sunday, April 14th (which is new, since it was supposed to be fri-fri, now it's sun-sun). We arrive at the Stockholm Arlanda Airport in the afternoon, and then check into our hotel. Ersta Diakoni.
 

Monday is a meet and greet with our Swedish counterparts, and then we have some free time in the afternoon.

Tuesday morning we participate in some workshops, and make our presentation. Then, that afternoon me and the 2 other girls take a train to Skövde 2-3 hours away. Once there we'll be visiting a military garrison to participate in their day to day volunteer/community activities. We stay in Skövde until Thursday afternoon.

A zoomed out view of the map
Zoomed in view of our travels
 
Friday there is a wrap up, and then we have dinner at Karlsberg Slott - which in the meeting they told us was a castle, an hour and a half by boat from Stockholm. I googled it. It used to be a palace, but it's now a military building. Not AS exciting, but still cool ... I guess. Ha! 



Saturday is TBD right now, so hopefully it'll be a free day. And we come back on Sunday April 21st.

There is a lot of work involved, so it's going to keep me crazy busy for the next few months with everything else going on. But that's a good thing, because by the time the Swedish trip has come and gone, there will only be a few months left until Mike comes home. For good. He's coming home in March for his HLTA (mid-deployment break).

There's the latest and greatest!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013

New year. And what?

My lovely bff Dayna came to mom and dad's last night with her fur baby to help me ring in the new year. I didn't want to be alone at 12. Dad stayed up with us. We watched Avatar and a bit of the Times Square coverage. Mom got home from work yesterday and wasn't feeling well. She was in bed at 4.

Not the NYE celebrations of years past, but a nice night. I was in bed by 12:15. I still partied it up with Thomas at 12:30, then again at 3:30. And both kids simultaneously woke up at 5:30.

I wish I had had the drinky fun night out to blame for my headache this morning. Unfortunately lack of sleep and a couple of kids are the culprits. C'est la vie.

This year I will carry on as a solo parent for another 6 months, I will meet my nephew Cooper for the first time, I'll have a few weeks with Mike. I will go to Sweden. My husband actually returns for good. I plan to visit my sister in Calgary. I will look into going back to work in the fall. Mike and I plan to take a trip down south at Christmas time. And we'll make the final decision on having a third baby.

Although Thomas is helping me make up my mind with that decision. He obviously does NOT want a younger sibling.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

SWEDEN

Yep, I'm going. The interview was last week, and I felt pretty good afterwards, but you never know how these things will go. Apparently it went great! 

I was doing a radio phoner yesterday with a station in Quebec. I seem to have become the new face of the Valcartier military spouse. So I called the Centre in the morning to talk to the PR guy about the phoner, and one of the Swedish decision makers overheard the receptionist talking to me, and asked her to transfer me over that way first.

She told me they picked 2 people, and I was one of them. Amazing. I still don't know who the second person is, all the other girls haven't received any news. And in Quebec City it snowed something like 50cm, so the Centre was closed today.


I'm in Ottawa now - yay! The lead up to coming here was insane, so I made sure not to overbook, or overplan while we're home. We have 3 weeks, and we'll get around to seeing friends and family, but we're going to play it by ear.

The weather here isn't the greatest. I ruined my $15 GT fake uggs today in the slush and snow .... buuuuut that kinds gives me a reason to go find me some nice new grown up boots. Any excuse to shop! Only now I need someone to take my kids. Anyone??

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I think that today has been the worst day since Mike left. Which is unfortunate since last night was so much fun.

Both kids have had a cold all week. And at daycare Friday, the lady said Lola had a fever at lunch, and barely any appetite. But after a shot of tylenol and a nap she seemed ok.

Mel, Francine and Steph were coming to my house last night before the Volunteer Xmas Party to get ready. "Get ready" was putting rollers in our hair. Hot. Check out Facebook for pics. And Mel's daughter Katia was my sitter. Last week they showed up at my house Friday night to surprise me with a night out, and Thomas threw up twice before we left the house. Last night started out like a déjà vu. As Mel and Katia were knocking on the door last night, Thomas puked ALL OVER ME. I sent most of you the picture ... gross. Lola wasn't feeling great, and at 5:30 asked to go to bed. Um, ok? So I set her up in my bed with a dvd and came back down. 15 minutes later she starts bawling. I run upstairs ... yeah, she puked. IN MY BED. Change the sheets, change the kid, and announce that I should probably stay home. Both kids seemed much better after the puking, but I didn't want to leave Katia with them for her sake - just in case. Katia and Mel said Katia could handle it, so off I went.

The party was h-amazing. So much fun. Although I noticed how there are 2 "cool" cliques. I know how that sounds, but I can't describe it any other way. Obviously I'm in one of them. And obviously mine is cooler. But there was some obvious one-up-manship from the others. Ridonc. But made for some entertainment I guess.

Got home just before 12. Katia said Lola slept the whole time, and Thomas had gone down about an hour after we left. Perfect!

This morning was pretty good. Both kids slept in until 6ish, but by 10 I needed to get out of the house. So we went for a mall walk and I picked up a couple things. Lola had some lunch, Thomas slept. It was great.

Then I decided it was a good idea to get a car wash. Oh. My. God. NO. Lola freaked the F out. It was like the water being sprayed on the car was a thousand poisonous snakes that were coming in through the windows. She screamed, she cried. It was awful. And of course her brother followed suit. Once we were done I got her a timbit as a treat because I felt bad. Mistake. She puked shortly after. in the car. We were still in the parking lot. I cleaned her up, and the car up, as much as possible and drove home. Then she puked again. In the garage. She felt better afterwards and was happy and non-lethargic (as in not a slug, but not super energetic either). To the point where she asked for some juice. Sure, no problem, hydration right? WRONG. Lesson learned: juice is TERRIBLE for a kid with an upset stomach. I felt terrible when she puked AGAIN. This time all over the living room floor. Could've been worse, could've been the carpet I guess. I called 811 (our version on tele-health in the qc), and they gave me some advice (like don't give her any juice), and signs to watch for in case it's a gastro. They also strongly recommended pedialyte. So I bundled up the kids, because even a quick trip to the *insert any kind of store here (but in this case, the pharmacy)* is a process. Went to get the van out of the garage, and ran into my neighbours. They made the mistake of asking how things were going. I told them, and they offered to come in and watch the kids as I ran to the store. AMEN. Only Lola freaked a bit so she came with me. But that is still 50 times better than dragging both kids with the double stroller.

I got the stuff, thanked the neighbours profusely and started hydrating LJV. She hasn't been sick since 3ish. And she's been bathed and in bed since 5. Thomas went down about an hour ago and I snuck in a quick (amazing) bath. I won as Lush gift pack at the party last night. I smell pretty.

But between 12-3 I kept my cool, but could feel a freak out coming on. It hasn't been unleashed yet, but it wasn't far from the surface. Puke, and laundry and snot times 2 ... on my own ... it's not been a fun day.

We're supposed to go to a Santa brunch tomorrow, but it'll all depend on my doodle. Hopefully a good night's sleep will do her some good, and she only had a 24 hour bug.

Thomas' cold won't go away and he has a bit of a loud cough. But he's in good spirits and he's eating and sleeping ok.

I'm healthy so far. And as long as I keep it at bay until at least Saturday, then all sickness can hit me. I'll be in Ottawa and I'll have people to take care of my kids. That's what I'm petrified of right now ... that I get sick, especially while they're both sick. I can't even think of it, it's too discouraging.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The best way for me to deal with this deployment is to keep myself as busy as possible. I tried living through a nice quiet relaxing weekend, but unfortunately with 2 small children that is virtually impossible. I will lose my mind. So instead, I keep busy. The week is easier to fill up since Lola is in daycare, so I either lug Thomas around with me, or plunk him into the base daycare if I need to be hands free.

That being said, by keeping myself so busy, I realize I'm neglecting my one on one friend time. And because I don't have time to keep in touch with everyone, I feel myself not keeping in touch with anyone. And I hate that. I'm not the only one with a busy life, and it's increasingly difficult to schedule in phone calls between kids, and jobs and sleep. So me starting up the ole' blog again is a way to keep everyone informed on our life here in the QC.

It'll do me some good to be able to write stuff out, especially if I'm feeling down. I need to get it out, and sometimes throwing it on a blog is easier than relating it to a friend. Weird, I know, but it's how my brain works these days.

I've been super busy with my volunteering these days. Lots of Christmas activities being planned, and lots of fun stuff for the kidlets too.

This weekend is the volunteer Christmas party. It's a pyjama party theme, so I'll be wearing a one piece zebra fleece jammy, with red heels .... and slippers as back up. It's going to be a fun night. We have a catered buffet, then an interactive dj. I have a sitter and a ride. I'm set.

The kids and I will also be attending a Family Christmas brunch on Sunday morning. Santa makes an appearance, so Lola will go bananas. So many people have big inflatable bonhommes on their lawns here, so every morning she points out the Santas, Snowmen and Penguins. I took her and Thomas to see the mall Santa last weekend and she loved it. Very excited. Christmas morning is going to be so much fun this year! Cookies and milk, and a carrot for Rudolph.

I've also applied to go on a "mission" to Sweden as part of an exchange between their military and the Valcartier base. I met all the requirements, and the best part is that all the presentations will be given in English. I thought a lot of people were going to apply, but apparently the language barrier was a huge obstacle for most of the volunteers at the centre. There are 5 of us who applied, so they will be interviewing all 5 of us. All the interviews will be NEXT Wednesday. Within the excited craziness of this week I thought the interview was today. Thankfully I found out yesterday, and didn't waltz in there today ready to giv'er! The interviews will mainly focus on our involvement with the centre, and logistics - ie: kids? I'm formulating my positive spin on the fact that I'm a solo mom until July. There will be lots of meetings leading up to the "mission" which takes place April 12-19, so I understand their concern for someone in my position. But I'm not the only one, and I can make this work. That is the only strike against me.

One of my volunteer committees coordinated a photo display of military families from a photo session we organized in September, and today we had a little unveiling ceremony. It was married with the family center's 20th anniversary, and they had a few media attend. I volunteered to give a bit of a speech as a testimonial of a military spouse, and that was the best decision I have made in a long time. It was great exposure to the Sweden selection panel I'll be interviewing with next week. They were able to see me in action today. I looked great, and my French speech was pretty freaking good. So that'll be a bonus for sure. But I also impressed the centre's PR guy (Agent de liaison et d'information). So much so that I'm now his go-to person for media interviews looking to speak to a military spouse. I did 3 newspaper interviews this week. I made sure to let him know that I was applying for Sweden, and asked him to be a reference. Score.

Let me tell you, I needed this little esteem and morale boost. Again, I keep my days pretty busy, so I don't have time to be sad. But sometimes the sad creeps in. Usually when I'm completely by myself. In the car with no kids, or at the house with no kids. If I'm at the centre or running errands with the kids, I'm focused on other stuff. But when my guard comes down a teeny tiny bit I let myself feel what I need to feel. As much as it sucks, it's important to get it over with. Because the feelings will just stay there until you deal with them. So I've had a few sad moments, and Mike and I have been having a difficult time connecting via phone. It's tough figuring out a time when we are both free to talk. He's 9.5 hours ahead of me. Before he left we decided we would email every day, but space out the phone calls. I much prefer that system. That way when we talk we actually have stuff to say, and it's not inane chit chat. But this past week I wanted to talk to him everyday to share the excitement of the good stuff rolling in, but we haven't been able to make it happen.

That being said, he'll be calling me at 9pm tonight (6:30am tomorrow his time). I'm usually in bed by now, but I'm anxious to talk to him.

I also bought the new GBS cd (XX), which is a greatest hits album with some new songs. 2 discs, 1 is pop songs, and 1 is more folky. And listening to it just makes me happy. There's a new song that just puts me in a great mood the second I hear the first few notes. It's great! I know, I know - stop rolling your eyes! It's frommage, but it's true.

I've also started my work-work too. Slowly but surely Robin and I are figuring things out. But I'm now set up with a company email address, and I've done a few hours here and there. I'm dropping one of my volunteer committees in January, so I'll have more time to focus on this job. And come the New Year we'll have set up a seamless system I'm sure. It's admin work for a marketing company that I can do based on my schedule. It's perfect for me.

So I guess that's it in a nutshell. I'll be updating this blog as often as I can. If the mood strikes, or if there is something exciting going on around here. Please please PLEASE don't stop texting/calling/emailing/facebooking me about the ins and outs of your lives mkay??? This is just the easiest way to keep everyone in the loop.

Lots of love from the QC, and we'll be Ottawa-bound December 15th!!