That kinda sounds like a country song ... ♫
I've been told, and now I'm learning first hand, that deployments bring you peaks and valleys. Some days are great, I'm managing things on my own, the kids are healthy and well-behaved ... and some days I'm pretty low. Being in Ottawa at Christmas drained me emotional and physically, it was definitely not the relaxing, helpful vacation I thought it was going to be. It was almost worse being there, since I did not have any real respite from the kids, where as here Lola is in daycare 5 days a week, and Thomas is in daycare while I attend my committee meetings 3 times a week. That was the main downfall. I've worked hard at putting it all behind me so I won't launch into all the details now. Let's just say that when I got back home to QC, I was in a valley. And it took me a few weeks to climb out of it.
And then I did, and everything seemed ok. Skies were blue instead of dark grey. I didn't even realize anything HAD happened, but one day I realized I was ok.
Fast forward to yesterday.
My son has been spoiled since birth in terms of being canoodled and "baby-ed" when it comes to bed time. Ten months later and I'm paying for it. It wasn't TOO awful when there were 2 of us to share the burden, but for the past 4 months I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've had a full night's sleep. That is a tragedy. Especially since the next day Daddy can't take over and let me catch up on some much needed sleep. Sleep or no sleep I have 2 little ones who need me the next day. I remember thinking how impossible it was going to be to survive if the no-sleep kept up over over the entire deployment. But our bodies adjust, and even though now I have perma-bags under my eyes, and am downing coffee and redbull all day, I'm surviving. And so are the kids. Except now I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope.
Thomas' night time habits always seem to be the catalyst to my valleys, and then a small thing will trigger the descent. I love my friends and family dearly, and appreciated all the advice and wisdom they send my way ... but every child is different, so is every situation ... I am trying to fix this disaster I created, but it's just so damn hard to do it by myself. I had a meltdown 2 nights ago listening to him scream for 2 hours. I just don't know how I'll get through this next half of the deployment.
Mike's HLTA seems to be what is triggering this valley. I'm getting anxious. I should be happy and excited to have my husband home, but I'm tense and stressed out about it. I feel similar to how I was stressing about his initial departure. The anticipation was worse than having him actually leave. So hopefully when he arrives everything will be fine. But for the moment I'm worried about so many things.
At night when I'm awake with the beast I'm so resentful of my husband. How dare he do this to ME. How dare he leave me alone with 2 small kids to deal with it all on my own. Then the morning comes and I feel better, and know that he didn't DO this to me. He's doing his job. The job we agreed would be best for our family.
And I'm trying to figure out how to handle Lola. I want to work with the daycare lady to make sure she sticks to a routine, but at the same time spend time with her father. The advice I received from the Deployment Group at the Family centre is to maybe have her go half days, or maybe 2 full days a week. That way when Mike leaves again it won't be an epic battle to get her back into the daycare groove. the daycare lady is resistant. She thinks that I'll be depriving Lola of her dad but bringing her to daycare. It feels like she isn't working WITH me. It feels like she's working against me. It's very frustrating.
So there's me right now. I'm also feeling very overwhelmed with the Swedish presentation. We're behind schedule, and I'm frustrated. And it's hard to find the time to sit down and work on it when I'm home because I'm either kid-wrangling or attempting to sleep.
I've decided to not go back and re-read this very long post. I am SMRT, but if there are typos or things that don't make sense I'm blaming it on lack of sleep.
Happier post to come in a few days!
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