Way Down in the valley

That kinda sounds like a country song ... ♫

I've been told, and now I'm learning first hand, that deployments bring you peaks and valleys. Some days are great, I'm managing things on my own, the kids are healthy and well-behaved ... and some days I'm pretty low. Being in Ottawa at Christmas drained me emotional and physically, it was definitely not the relaxing, helpful vacation I thought it was going to be. It was almost worse being there, since I did not have any real respite from the kids, where as here Lola is in daycare 5 days a week, and Thomas is in daycare while I attend my committee meetings 3 times a week. That was the main downfall. I've worked hard at putting it all behind me so I won't launch into all the details now. Let's just say that when I got back home to QC, I was in a valley. And it took me a few weeks to climb out of it.

And then I did, and everything seemed ok. Skies were blue instead of dark grey. I didn't even realize anything HAD happened, but one day I realized I was ok.

Fast forward to yesterday.

My son has been spoiled since birth in terms of being canoodled and "baby-ed" when it comes to bed time. Ten months later and I'm paying for it. It wasn't TOO awful when there were 2 of us to share the burden, but for the past 4 months I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've had a full night's sleep. That is a tragedy. Especially since the next day Daddy can't take over and let me catch up on some much needed sleep. Sleep or no sleep I have 2 little ones who need me the next day. I remember thinking how impossible it was going to be to survive if the no-sleep kept up over over the entire deployment. But our bodies adjust, and even though now I have perma-bags under my eyes, and am downing coffee and redbull all day, I'm surviving. And so are the kids. Except now I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope.

Thomas' night time habits always seem to be the catalyst to my valleys, and then a small thing will trigger the descent. I love my friends and family dearly, and appreciated all the advice and wisdom they send my way ... but every child is different, so is every situation ... I am trying to fix this disaster I created, but it's just so damn hard to do it by myself. I had a meltdown 2 nights ago listening to him scream for 2 hours. I just don't know how I'll get through this next half of the deployment.

Mike's HLTA seems to be what is triggering this valley. I'm getting anxious. I should be happy and excited to have my husband home, but I'm tense and stressed out about it. I feel similar to how I was stressing about his initial departure. The anticipation was worse than having him actually leave. So hopefully when he arrives everything will be fine. But for the moment I'm worried about so many things. 

At night when I'm awake with the beast I'm so resentful of my husband. How dare he do this to ME. How dare he leave me alone with 2 small kids to deal with it all on my own. Then the morning comes and I feel better, and know that he didn't DO this to me. He's doing his job. The job we agreed would be best for our family.

And I'm trying to figure out how to handle Lola. I want to work with the daycare lady to make sure she sticks to a routine, but at the same time spend time with her father. The advice I received from the Deployment Group at the Family centre is to maybe have her go half days, or maybe 2 full days a week. That way when Mike leaves again it won't be an epic battle to get her back into the daycare groove. the daycare lady is resistant. She thinks that I'll be depriving Lola of her dad but bringing her to daycare. It feels like she isn't working WITH me. It feels like she's working against me. It's very frustrating.

So there's me right now. I'm also feeling very overwhelmed with the Swedish presentation. We're behind schedule, and I'm frustrated. And it's hard to find the time to sit down and work on it when I'm home because I'm either kid-wrangling or attempting to sleep.

I've decided to not go back and re-read this very long post. I am SMRT, but if there are typos or things that don't make sense I'm blaming it on lack of sleep.

Happier post to come in a few days!

Sweden Update!

I had my first official "Swedish" meeting last week. It was good because I actually know what I'll be doing over there. Myself, and 2 others will be preparing, and giving a presentation on the volunteer work we do at the VFC (Valcartier Family Centre). We're to act as spokes people to promote, explain and share the expertise of the VFC, as well as create and maintain good relationships with our Swedish counterparts. Pretty freaking cool.

So far our itinerary looks like this:

We leave Canada on Sunday, April 14th (which is new, since it was supposed to be fri-fri, now it's sun-sun). We arrive at the Stockholm Arlanda Airport in the afternoon, and then check into our hotel. Ersta Diakoni.
 

Monday is a meet and greet with our Swedish counterparts, and then we have some free time in the afternoon.

Tuesday morning we participate in some workshops, and make our presentation. Then, that afternoon me and the 2 other girls take a train to Skövde 2-3 hours away. Once there we'll be visiting a military garrison to participate in their day to day volunteer/community activities. We stay in Skövde until Thursday afternoon.

A zoomed out view of the map

Zoomed in view of our travels

 
Friday there is a wrap up, and then we have dinner at Karlsberg Slott - which in the meeting they told us was a castle, an hour and a half by boat from Stockholm. I googled it. It used to be a palace, but it's now a military building. Not AS exciting, but still cool ... I guess. Ha! 

Saturday is TBD right now, so hopefully it'll be a free day. And we come back on Sunday April 21st.

There is a lot of work involved, so it's going to keep me crazy busy for the next few months with everything else going on. But that's a good thing, because by the time the Swedish trip has come and gone, there will only be a few months left until Mike comes home. For good. He's coming home in March for his HLTA (mid-deployment break).

There's the latest and greatest!

2013

New year. And what?

My lovely bff Dayna came to mom and dad's last night with her fur baby to help me ring in the new year. I didn't want to be alone at 12. Dad stayed up with us. We watched Avatar and a bit of the Times Square coverage. Mom got home from work yesterday and wasn't feeling well. She was in bed at 4.

Not the NYE celebrations of years past, but a nice night. I was in bed by 12:15. I still partied it up with Thomas at 12:30, then again at 3:30. And both kids simultaneously woke up at 5:30.

I wish I had had the drinky fun night out to blame for my headache this morning. Unfortunately lack of sleep and a couple of kids are the culprits. C'est la vie.

This year I will carry on as a solo parent for another 6 months, I will meet my nephew Cooper for the first time, I'll have a few weeks with Mike. I will go to Sweden. My husband actually returns for good. I plan to visit my sister in Calgary. I will look into going back to work in the fall. Mike and I plan to take a trip down south at Christmas time. And we'll make the final decision on having a third baby.

Although Thomas is helping me make up my mind with that decision. He obviously does NOT want a younger sibling.